


Drop

by VixiGrey



Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond (Movies)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Caring James Bond, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Q is an Holmes - Implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-30 07:36:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6414718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VixiGrey/pseuds/VixiGrey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes it just happens.<br/>You keep rolling and rolling.<br/>One more time, again and again.<br/>But you know that there will be a moment when the levee breaks.<br/>Q knows that too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drop

**Author's Note:**

> I highly suggest you to read the note at the end. You can read it now or at the end, anyway that note can really help you to understand some stuff of the fic.  
> I really thank my Parabatai for always be there for me.
> 
> Edited to correct typos and various mistakes.

Sometimes it just happens.  
You keep rolling and rolling.  
One more time, again and again.  
But you know that there will be a moment when the levee breaks.

Q knows that too. He will break one day or another, he won't be controlled like this and he will freak out again. He knows this, but he is resisting, he is trying, he smiles when he interacts with people and is... in his way kind and helpful.  
He works and works. He feels that the "Drop" is coming but he doesn't want to. He feels all the pressure collapsing in him: creating new gadgets, reviewing the budget request, choosing the new recruits, helping the agents on mission...

_What if you fail?_  
_What if you fail and someone gets hurt?_  
_What if you fail and someone dies? And it's all your fault. you are a failure and you have always known that. That's what happens when you are not enough, good enough, smart enough... you let people down, you let people down..._

Q can't shake these thoughts out of his head, he can deal with them but it gets harder and harder.  
He tries to work on a broken gun ( Not Bond's fault this time... But Alec's ) to not think about then.

\- I am here for a reason. I am good at what I do-  
He whispers just to himself, before taking a sip of the tea that R prepared for him

 _Good? You?_  
_You know how you got in here, don't you?_  
_Well, it's not because of your talent, there are a LOT of people like you, if not better then you._  
_Both professionally and humanly speaking, I mean._

Q can't help but concetrate on those words, the words in his head. He talks often to himself this way.  
And he is not wrong, he relizes, he is a terrible human being. He doesn't know how to cook, sometimes he even forgets to eat and someone has always to remind him to or even to bring him lunch or dinner, he is an adult and he can't take care of himself. He gets so immersed into his work that he doesn't notice what's happening around him. He's not good with people ( and his own ) emotions in fact, he relizes, he is too much cold and formal even with the people close to him. 

He doesn't even notice that he had stopped breathing and was perfectly still until his brain "alarms" him.  
He slowly breath out  
1  
2  
3  
and then in  
1  
2  
3  
He can resist another day.  
Today 004 will end his mission and the new recruits will be selected.  
He will have less things to worry about, and James will be home in a few days.

_It's surprising how he still tolerates us_

\- Please just don't - 

_Don't do what? Bring him in? It's you that are doing this, you know that. You are just one at the not-really-end of a long and populated list. It's his nature and you know it, but that is not the reason because he will break up with you._  
_How can someone like him love someone like you? Come on this is a nice dream..._

**"Shut up!"**

Q shouts in the middle of his empty office. He relizes too late that he really did shout it out loud. /> A knock on the door tells him that his minions had heard him.  
He tries to keep it cool and sits at his desk facing his computer.

**"Come in"**

It's R, one of the most loyal and good person in the office.

**"Q, I brought you some papers for 002 mission"**

R says handing the folder to him, smiling. Q looks at him and smiles. 

**"Thank you, I'll sign and bring them to you before you leave for lunch "**

Q answers but doesn't reach for it. R puts the folder on the desk and looks at him confused, he doesn't know if say it or not, but he HAS TO say it.

**"Q... it's almost midnight. I was waiting for these documents to come in and..."**

Q blinks quickly, trying to take in his words 

_We are starting to lose track of time too, aren't we?_

**"Yeah, yeah sure, I meant tomorrow. I'll give you these back before lunch, tomorrow. "**

He tries to save, but R doesn't buy it. R never does. R knows exactly when Q is lying and this why Bond had chosen her to keep an eye on Q. As every "caring boyfriend" would do, he even revealed her about Q's anxiety problem

**"You should go home too... Eve told me that you are here since yesterday morning. "**

And that was true. Q sighs./p>

**" Don't worry, I'll finish this and I'll go home too. "**

He smiles trying to sound conving. He is usually a very good liar but he feels the ground slipping under his feet. 

R smiles back, even if she knows that he won't do it.

**"So... see you tomorrow"**

**"See you tomorrow."**

When the dook is closed Q breaths out again.  
He checks the folder and...

_Nice. I think that we are never going home. We'll live here. I think that James will be happy to..._

Q brings his head in his own hands and keeps breathing.

\-- Heatrow Airport, few moments later-- 

James breathes London's air in. Polluted, dense and not at all like the salty and fresh air of the coast of the Caraibben Islands, where he ended up during his last mission, mission that ended two days early. He doesn't even bother to report, he wants to surprise his boyfriend walking in his branch and giving back to him all ther equipment safe and sound ( well... scratches happen when you are parkouring ), but then his flight had been delated and he had to take another one. But there he is, back in London. He would have taken those day off, there in the islands, if it weren't for Q.  
He is just imagining how it would be to enter in their flat, to slowly undress, exposing the line of his new tan, and curl up behind a sleepy Q and receive a "Welcome back" kiss and...  
Bond's fantasies stop because of a text message. 

* Call Q if you can. I think he doesn't feel well. He is working since yesterday morning. it hasn't eaten anything in the last 24h, maybe more.*

It is R, blessed her soul. He quickly replies with a " Thanks " and reaches for his car.  
He can do something better than just call. He turns on the engine knowing that their place isn't his destination.

\-- Q Branch --

Q is not alone in the branch. there are some people who work there during the night to keep an eye on global emergencies and eventual agents' problem.  
Q is in the office at night so often that he got to actually know those "ghosts" who leave notes for the diurnal people.  
They are discrete, they don't bother him, if not to offer him tea. 

One that doesn't know them is James who thought that he would have found the Q's Branch empty.  
When the elevetor opens he finds three persons in front of him. They are looking at him confused, but he notices that they have recognized him.  
He walks straight throught the desks and the computers, smiling at them while he walks by.

 **" Shouldn't he be still... "**  
**" Well maybe he finished early... "**  
"But he didn't reported anything..."

They whispers and this is the moment when Bond decides to make his move, he can't have them there, chatting and gossiping. He turns around and smiles. The three minions look at him still, somehow, confused.

**"What about a break? Go outside, have some tea... London won't fall if you all leave the branch for... at least half an hour, don't you think?"**

The agent says in a commanding and firm tone.  
The three of them nod and leave as rapidly as they can. No one in the branch ever disobeys to a double-o.  
Bond smirks and goes to Q's office.

Q thinks he is getting crazy. He could swear that he has just heard James' voice, from the minions' offices. But James is away, far away, in some city in the other part of the planet not...

A knock on the door caughts his breath.

 **"Come in"**

He says, his hopes between " Yes, please, be James, I need him now " and " Don't be James, I can deal with this alone, I can do it. I don't want to freak out in front of him again "

 **"Suprise"**

A well known voice says entering in the office.

**"Double-O... James... shouldn't you..."**

James ransacks in his pocket and takes out something.

**"Finished early. Here is the chip you were looking for. And I have even brought everything back in one piece"**

He says smiling, holding out the little black box where the chip is.  
Q doesn't reach for it. Bad sign. 

**"Thank you, put it ... wherever you want"**

And this is even worse. But Bond needs to confirm his hypothesis/p>

**"Sure"**

He puts down the box and walks around the desk to reach for Q, who immediatly gets up and walks to the table near the wall 

**"I have a new gadget for you. Do you want to try it?"**

Q proposes showing the tie pin to the agent. 

**"Q..."**

Bond starts, now sure that something is really wrong and that it can be serious 

**"Geoffrey..."**

He calls him again walking towards him.

**"I am fine."**

Q asserts trying to not get angry. He doesn't want this, he wants to be able to deal with his own anxiety by himself, he doesn't even want to take the medicine that the doctor had "suggested" to him. 

**"I am fine, really"**

He repeats when Bond gets closer.

**"Let's go home then."**

**"I still have some work to do..."**

**"You can do it tomorrow. Your minions out there will keep an eye onthe world for you. "**

**"James, seriously, I need..."**

Q breathes in deeply and Bond steps back to give him some space.

**"Tell me what you need. "**

He pauses. 

**"What you really need"**

Q sighs. It is too late now. He just wants to break down and let everything flow outside him, he feels like he can't deal with anything else and he feels weak and... he hits the desk with his lower back and falls, to sit on the ground. Bond reacts on instict and reaches for him, stopping him from hitting the floor too much hard, and sit next to him. He tries to move away a little bit but Q stops him.

**"No, it's fine, stay here."**

He grabs Bond's arm tight and pulls him closer to himself  
He doesn't want to cry and James presence is comforting.

**"I am here, Geoffrey. I'll be here all the time you want me to stay here "**

Q nods, breathing out. 

They stay there in complete silence for a while.  
Bond knows that Q needs his time and he doesn't try to force him to talk or to listen to him. He still doesn't know what exactly the problem is this time ( even if he has suspects ) and he knows better than to say cheesy stuff. Those can make Q feel even worse. Q is still under James' arm, leaned against his side, and his lover is slowly stroking his hair.

**"It's just... the usual voice, you know? "**

Q says breathing out, emitting a low and nervous laugh

**"I feel so freaking stupid..."**

Bond stops stroking his hair and turns his face to look at him in his eyes, caressing him slowly, on his cheeck

**"You are the most clever person that I have ever met, you know that right?"**

Q lower his gaze.

**"You told me that"**

**"I really think it."**

After that, silence falls again. There are some sobs from Q and Bond hands him the tissue when he snuffles.

**"I am not fine."**

**"I kinda noticed that"**

Bonds replies and Q punches him lightly. He blows his nose then continues.

**"But I can deal with them, it's just that sometimes I get overwhelmed and..."**

Q can't find the right words to describe it, maybe because he is not lucid enough, maybe because there aren't word to do it.

**"It's ok, love, I know you can deal with them."**

**"I am serious."**

**"I am too"**

Silence falls again and Q tries to get even closer to James, obviously the agent noticed it.

**"What about we go home? We can eat something and then cuddle. We can talk about all of this tomorrow.**

Q doesn't reply but nods. 

**"Perfect. Let's stand up."**

Q doesn't move.

**"Do you want me to carry you bride-style? I can do that."**

Q shakes his head.

**"Come on then"**

He offers him an hand and Q stands up, leaning against him, not letting his hand go.

**"I am tired"**

He yawns

**"I bet you are"**

Bond walks him throught his office and luckly enough the minions are still away, maybe they got the "message" and they are waiting for them to leave, before come back. They reach the Aston Martin and Q falls asleep during the short trip. Bond ends up carrying him bride-style to their flat. James puts Q on the bed, but he is worried about the fact that he hasn't eaten anything. He takes his jacket off, cooks something and then wakes him up, he still has to undress him after all.

**"Geoffrey please, wake up, just for a moment"**

Geoffrey blinks a couple of time. He is on something soft. He doesn't have the shoes on anymore, but he is still fully dressed. more time passes, more he remembers.

**"James..."**

**"Yes, I prepared something to eat."**

He says handing him the dish. 

Geoffrey takes it without saying anything and starts eating, every bite faster and faster until he finish  
James looks at him with a smile.

**"Good?"**

James asks, taking the plate from Geoffrey and the man nods. He stands up to bring the dishes to the kitchen but an hand grabs the back of his shirt. Bond puts the dishes on the bedside table and sits again on the bed.

**"Ok, we'll wash those dishes tomorrow. Now we get ready to bed, ok? "**

Geoffrey nods and James helps him to undress and then he undress himself. They lay on the bed, Geoffrey curled up in James' arms, his head under James chin. This is not a really comfortable position for the blond man but he can make a small sacrifice tonight. 

**"I love you."**

Geoffrey says kissing the part of James that's closer to him.

**"I love you too, my little genius, go back to sleep"**

Geoffrey nods and falls asleep again.

**Author's Note:**

> I based this on my own experience, what Q feels is what I go throught every time, but I haven't a double-o to, so James' part is what it should be said/done when someone you care about is panicking/freaking out ( in my opinion at least ).  
> As it is know panic doensn't manifest itself in all people in the same way and this is just what happens to me. I call it drop because it's like drowning in my own mind and runinng in circle on the same depressive though. I think about them, I try to not to, I fail, I start to get anxious, I panic, I try to find a solution, I don't and... restart. The voice in the head is like a darker version of a coscience who doesn't help you at all.  
> Anyway I wrote this down to see if I could, somehow, explain my own experience, what I feel before, during and after. As I already said I don't anyone who helps me during those attack ( except a friend that I call when I don't see the attack coming, but that is like really an emergency, especially if I am in school and she is not usually there until after... ) - I don't trust anyone enough ( Except this friend of mine, my parabatai ) and no one would really know what to do. This has more "couple" dynamics that I actually thought to put in in the beginning but I liked them and so I left them.  
> I kinda wish to have one day a relationship like that but I am pretty sure I can't have one.
> 
> ANYWAY  
> Thanks for reading this... I hope you liked it.


End file.
